


Project Sburb

by 2x2verse (agent_florida)



Category: Homestuck, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - SBURB Fusion, Gen, Humor, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 10:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1344346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_florida/pseuds/2x2verse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the first of April, is this young man’s birthday. Though it was sixteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?</p><p>> Enter name.</p><p>LEONARD L. CHURCH</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Are We Here?

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe someone hasn't done this yet

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the first of April, is this young man’s birthday. Though it was seventeen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

**> Enter name.**

ZOOSMELL POOPLORD

**> TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS.**

LEONARD L. CHURCH

As previously stated, your name is CHURCH. As was previously mentioned, it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of SNAPSHOTS are scattered around your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY BIG GUNS. You like to PROGRAM COMPUTERS, though you don’t quite know how you got to be so GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for GHOSTS. You also like to play VIDEO GAMES, especially FIRST PERSON SHOOTERS.

You are a JUNIOR at BLOOD GULCH HIGH SCHOOL ALPHA. You are a MEDIOCRE STUDENT who has been pinpointed as having PROBLEMS WITH AUTHORITY. You prefer to skate by, doing AS LITTLE WORK AS POSSIBLE to get good grades.

What will you do?

**> Church: Retrieve arms.**

You retrieve your SNIPER RIFLE from your chest and CAPTCHALOGUE it in your SYLLADEX. This should come in handy! You do not pause for a moment of reflection as to why a SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD has MILITARY-GRADE WEAPONRY in his bedroom. IT JUST IS and that’s all there is to it.

**> Church: Examine Halo poster.**

Your room is full of POSTERS, mostly of the video game HALO. CORTANA is your favorite character. MASTER CHIEF is also rather hard-boiled. This poster was one of your wisest purchases. The spot on the wall next to it has a poster of a VIDEO GAME that’s supposed to come out today. The game is called SBURB and you have been awaiting its arrival for several months. You pretend not to care about it, but you want to see WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

**> Church: Examine dresser.**

There is a NOTE here.

**> Church: Read note.**

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.

It doesn’t say anything else. The script has a pompous air to it, yet also shows signs of being scribbled in haste. People say you are your father’s SPITTING IMAGE, but you don’t see it at all. He claims you are an ONLY CHILD, but you know for a fact you have a HALF-SISTER who is a SENIOR at the nearby MILITARY ACADEMY. You know this because she’s friends with THE GIRL YOU ARE KIND OF DATING.

WHO KNOWS what else your father has LIED to you about? You guess it doesn’t matter. He is RARELY AT HOME as it is. He hasn’t given you a PRESENT for your birthday. TYPICAL. Unless…

**> Church: Check computer.**

There’s no time for UNLESS right now! One of your chums is messaging you.

\-- phallicLovin  [PL] started pestering alphasProtege  [AP] at 16:13 --  
PL: Hey, Church.  
AP: Sup, †ucker.  
PL: What so->rt o->f insane lo->o->t did yo->u rake in to->day?  
AP: No†hing ye†.  
PL: No->t even fro->m yo->ur dad?  
AP: No†hing means no†hing, cockbi†e.  
PL: Happy birthday to-> yo->u to->o->, assho->le.  
PL: So->...  
PL: What are they do->ing?  
AP: Those dickheads from Blood Gulch Ou†pos† One?  
AP: Give me a second. I'll hack in.

**> Church: Hack in.**

You are actually quite an accomplished HACKER. Computers just SPEAK to you, it seems, and code is like a SECOND LANGUAGE to you. The guys from your RIVAL HIGH SCHOOL use the same servers you do, so it’s easy to LISTEN IN.

\-- pretentiousLackey  [PL] started pestering passiveProcrastinator  [PP] at 16:27 --  
PL: H3y.  
PP: yeah  
PL: D0 y0u 3v34 w0nd3r why w3'r3 h3r3?  
PP: its one of lifes great mysteries isnt it  
PP: why are we here  
PP: i mean  
PP: are we the product of some cosmic coincidence  
PP: or is there really a god watching everything  
PP: yknow  
PP: with a plan for us and stuff  
PP: i dont know man  
PP: but it keeps me up at night  
PL: Wh47?  
PL: 1 m34n7 why ar3 w3 0u7 h3r3, 0n 7h15 53rv3r.  
PP: oh  
PP: uh  
PP: yeah  
PL: Wh47 w45 4ll 7h47 57uff 4b0u7 G0d?  
PP: hm  
PP: nothing  
PL: D0 y0u w4n7 70 74lk 4b0u7 17?  
PP: no  
PL: 4r3 y0u 5ur3?  
PP: yeah  
PL: 53r10u5ly, 7h0ugh, why 4r3 w3 0n h3r3? 45 f4r 45 1 c4n 73ll, 17'5 ju57 4 54rv3r 1n 7h3 m1ddl3 0f n0wh3r3, w17h n0 g00d w4y 1n 0r 0u7.  
PL: 4nd th3 0nly r34s0n 7h47 w3 s37 up 4 r3d 53rv3r h3r3 1s b3c4u53 7h3y h4v3 4 blu3 53rv3r 0v3r 7h3r3.  
PL: 4nd th3 0nly r3450n 7h3y h4v3 4 blu3 53rv3r 0v3r 7h3r3 1s b3c4u53 w3 h4v3 4 r3d 53rv3r h3r3.  
PP: yeah  
PP: thats cause were sposed to be playing each other  
PL: N0, n0, 1 m34n.  
PL: 3v3n 1f w3 w3r3 70 570p pl4y1ng 70d4y, 4nd 7h3y w3r3 70 c0m3 74k3 0ur 53rv3r, 7h3y w0uld h4v3 7w0 53rv3r5 1n 7h3 m1ddl3 0f n0wh3r3.  
PL: Wh00p d3 fuck1ng d00!  
PP: whats up with that anyway  
PP: i signed on to fight some aliens  
PP: next thing i know  
PP: some godtier blows up the whole network  
PP: and im stuck in the middle of nowhere  
PP: fighting a buncha blue guys

PL: What're they do->ing no->w?  
AP: God damn, I'm ge††ing so sick of answering †hat question!  
PL: Hey. Yo->u have the fucking screen. I can't see shit.  
PL: Do->n't bitch at me because I'm no->t go->ing to-> sit here and play with my dick all day.  
AP: Okay.  
AP: Okay, look.  
AP: †hey're jus† s†anding †here and †alking, okay?  
AP: †ha†'s all †hey're doing.  
AP: †ha†'s all †hey ever do, is jus† s†and †here and †alk.  
AP: †ha†'s wha† †hey were doing las† week.  
AP: And †ha†'s wha† †hey were doing when you asked me five minu†es ago.  
AP: So five minu†es from now, when you ask me wha† are †hey doing, my answer's going to be:  
AP: †hey're s†ill jus† †alking, and †hey're s†ill jus† s†anding †here!  
PL: ...  
PL: What're they talking abo->ut?  
AP: You know wha†?  
AP: I fucking ha†e you.  
\-- alphasProtege  [AP] blocked phallicLovin  [PL] at 16:43 --

**> Church: Snoop.**

Even though you’re FED UP with your chum, these OTHER ASSHOLES might still know something.

**> Church: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.**

That is the stupidest idea you’ve had in weeks.

Instead, you ransack your SYLLADEX and find a spare SLICE OF BIRTHDAY CAKE under your SNIPER RIFLE. This will make an excellent SNACK. Your RIFLE is ejected in your haste.

**> Church: Allocate sniper rifle to strife specibus.**

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

**> Church: Select “SNPRRFLE”.**

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the SNPRRFLEKIND ABSTRATUS.

The SNIPER RIFLE has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

**> Church: Read conversation.**

You’re expecting to see MUCH MORE when you turn your attention back to the computer.

PP: talk about a waste of resources  
PP: we should be out there  
PP: finding new and intelligent people to play against  
PP: yknow fight them instead  
PL: Y34h, n0 5h17.  
PL: 7h47'5 why 7h3y 5h0uld pu7 u5 1n ch4rg3.  
AP   sent invitation to memo FRONT AND CENTER ON THE DOUBLE.  
PP: fuck me  
PL: Y3551r!  
\-- pretentiousLackey  [PL] stopped pestering passiveProcrastinator  [PP] at 16:49 --

**> Church: Track them to their memo.**

Error: You DON’T CARE enough to track them to their memo.

Wait. If HE’s getting involved… do THEY have the SBURB BETA? And how come THEY have it and YOU don’t?

**> Church: Pester chum.**

\-- alphasProtege  [AP] unblocked phallicLovin  [PL] at 16:51 --  
AP: †hey have i†.  
PL: Who-> has what?  
AP: Red †eam has †he be†a.  
PL: Ho->w do-> yo->u figure?  
AP: †he †wo I was wa†ching were jus† invi†ed †o a memo.  
AP: †hey're planning, or s†ra†egizing, or some†hing.  
PL: Who-> cares?  
AP: I don'†. I defini†ely don'† care.  
PL: I meant, who-> cares that they go->t the beta versio->n?  
PL: I heard alpha is better anyway.  
PL: And maybe yo->u might want to-> be o->n the lo->o->ko->ut fo->r po->ssible birthday swag.  
AP: Say swag again and I promise I will punch you in †he face †he nex† †ime I see you.

**> Church: Go downstairs.**

There’s NOTHING MUCH TO SEE here. Your house is set up in a rather SPARTAN way. Your MOTHER died some years ago; her ASHES are in an URN on the MANTELPIECE, just below a PORTRAIT of her. On a set of SHELVES next to the FIREPLACE is a series of AWARDS denoting your father’s accomplishments over the years. Most of them are MILITARY in nature.

**> Church: Examine small gift.**

There is a SMALL IF BRIGHTLY WRAPPED PACKAGE waiting for you next to the shiniest of the AWARDS. There is a NOTE on this as well.

**> Church: Read note.**

THE CORE MISSION OF ANY SCIENTIFIC ENDEAVOR IS TO FIND CREATIVE SOLUTIONS TO UNEXPECTED PROBLEMS.

**> Church: Rip open package.**

Is it…? It is. You now hold in your hands SBURB ALPHA. And here you thought your father didn’t get you anything for your birthday.

**> Church: Pester Tucker again.**

AP: I go† i†.  
AP: How'd you know?  
PL: Yo->ur dad handed o->ut a few o->ther co->pies to-> me.  
PL: Yo->u have to-> play in teams. I think in teams o->f fo->ur.  
AP: Damn i†. Who else would we even play †his wi†h?  
PL: Gimme a few, I'm go->nna message so->me o->ther peo->ple.  
AP: Oh, †his is going †o go grea†, I can jus† †ell.  
\-- phallicLovin  [PL] stopped pestering alphasProtege  [AP] at 17:17 --


	2. Red Gets a Delivery

**> Church: Be Tucker.**

You can’t BE Tucker. You already ARE Tucker.

**> Who’s this douchebag?**

Definitely not an INSUFFERABLE PRICK. You already have a NAME, thanks very much. Your name is TUCKER. Just… Tucker. Well, you do have a first name, it’s just that no one knows it because IT SUCKS.

It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open and your FAN is cranked. Heh heh. CRANKED. Like your DICK. You’d say you have a variety of INTERESTS, but if you’re honest, you really only have one, and that’s SEX. Everything revolves around SEX. Crude JOKES, double ENTENDRES, and HORRIBLE PICK-UP LINES are your forte. You have a GIRLFRIEND, if by girlfriend you mean CHICK YOU ARE TOTALLY BOINKING, BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.

You are SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD and a JUNIOR at BLOOD GULCH HIGH SCHOOL ALPHA, just like your friend Church. You drive a car you call THE TANK, which you can totally PICK UP CHICKS in.

You also have a glancing interest in ALIENS. Look how CREEPY they are. And yet they’re TOTALLY FASCINATING. Your mission is to EXPLORE new worlds, to seek out NEW LIFE and NEW CIVILIZATIONS, to BOLDLY GO where NO MAN has gone before. (Bow chicka bow wow.)

What will you do?

**> Tucker: Retrieve arms.**

That would be easier if you had ARMS. Despite your research into THE ULTIMATE WEAPON, it looks like it’s not going to happen unless you play this TOTALLY STUPID GAME that you got from YOUR BEST FRIEND’S DAD. Which isn’t MYSTERIOUS at all. No, really. Not SUSPICIOUS in the slightest.

All you have is the prototype HILT of what could have been an AWESOME SWORD. You ambitiously set SWORDKIND as your STRIFE SPECIBUS.

**> Tucker: Bleat like a goat and piss on your laptop.**

Nah.

**> Tucker: Use your laptop to pester your girlfriend.**

\-- phallicLovin  [PL] started pestering promiscuousPossibilities  [PP] at 17:18 --  
PL: Hey yo->u.  
PP: hey you!! :D  
PL: Are yo->u do->wn to-> play a game?  
PP: what kinda game :O  
PL: A ro->leplaying game.  
PP: ooh roleplaying!  
PP: like in the bedroom??  
PP: i am SO TOTALLY down for playing out a roleplay in the bedroom ;)  
PL: Bo->w chicka bo->w wo->w.  
PL: No->t in the bedro->o->m, tho->ugh.  
PP: getting creative are we?  
PP: we havent done it in the kitchen yet :P  
PP: ... yup thats just about the only place i can think of that we havent done it!!  
PL: No->t like that either.  
PL: This is a video-> game.  
PL: Like a co->mputer game.  
PP: ooh like cybering??? :DDD  
PL: I like the way yo->u think.  
PL: But no->pe.  
PL: SBURB is go->nna uplo->ad us into-> o->ur o->wn wo->rlds in the game.  
PL: There's so->mething abo->ut a quest bed here tho->ugh.  
PP: bow chicka bow wow ;)  
PL: Yeah, it's go->nna be aweso->me.  
PL: Yo->u in?  
PP: um duh!!!!!  
PP: ive never done data before  
PL: Perfect. I'll let Church kno->w.  
PP: aw man do we have to?  
PP: he is such a buzzkill sometimes :(  
PL: Trust me, I kno->w.  
PL: But we have to-> play in teams.  
PL: Besides, it's his birthday, and it wo->uld be an assho->le mo->ve no->t to-> let him play with us when his dad was the o->ne who-> gave me these co->pies in the first place.  
PP: ugh fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine  
PP: i like that thing about the team game though  
PP: ive never been double teamed before ;) ;) ;)  
PL: Yeah, well, ho->ld that tho->ught.  
PL: I go->tta message him back.  
\-- phallicLovin  [PL] stopped pestering promiscuousPossibilities  [PP] at 17:26 --

**> Tucker: Report back to your CO.**

What the hell is a CO? Is that like a COMMANDING OFFICER? This isn’t the MILITARY, you limp-licking fucksuck!

**> Tucker: Report back to your friend.**

\-- phallicLovin  [PL] started pestering alphasProtege  [AP] at 17:27 --  
PL: Player Three is o->n bo->ard.  
AP: †ha† didn'† †ake as long as I expec†ed.  
AP: You didn'† ask your s†upid girlfriend, did you?  
PL: What was that? I think I heard the so->und o->f o->verpo->wering jealo->usy.  
AP: You do know she's a huge slu†, righ†?  
PL: I like to-> lo->o->k at it this way.  
PL: I'm having sex and yo->u're no->t.  
PL: And that's aweso->me.  
AP: You don'† care †ha† she's probably chea†ing on you?  
PL: No->pe.  
AP: Wi†h pre††y much †he en†ire foo†ball †eam.  
PL: I do->n't care.  
PL: Because I'm having sex o->n a regular basis with a girl that hasn't tried to-> ho->gtie and castrate me.  
AP: †hat was only †he one †ime and you know i†!  
PL: O->r sto->len mo->ney fro->m my wallet.  
AP: Shu† up.  
PL: To-> go-> have sex with o->ther guys.  
AP: SHU† UP.  
AP: FINE. She can play wi†h us.  
AP: †ell me you know someone who can be our Player Four.  
PL: So->rta.  
AP: Wha† †he hell is †ha† supposed †o mean?  
PL: And apparently yo->u can also-> ping a matchmaking server if yo->u're o->nly a player sho->rt.  
AP: †his deal jus† keeps ge††ing worse and worse.  
AP: I'll spam Command, bu† no guaran†ees.  
\-- alphasProtege  [AP] stopped pestering phallicLovin  [PL] at 17:35 --

**> Tucker: Be Grif.**

Error: Incomplete command. Which Grif would you like to be?   
  Dexter   
> Kaikaina

**> Tucker: Be the Grif you’re dating.**

Your name is KAIKAINA GRIF, but most people just know you as SISTER because they knew your big brother first. You are SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, but you don’t go to BLOOD GULCH HIGH SCHOOL ALPHA, because you are not in high school. Instead, you are in the EIGHTH GRADE. For the third time. You have considered RUNNING AWAY TO THE CIRCUS like your mother, but mere FLEXIBILITY isn’t enough these days. Besides, your BROTHER would be mortified.

You like to wear RIBBONS IN YOUR HAIR and you want to KISS ALL THE BOYS. And the GIRLS. And the people of OTHER GENDERS. And the ALIENS. ALL  OF THEM. Your sense of shame is clinically considered BROKEN. You can do unnatural things with PING-PONG BALLS. You have a knack for saying REALLY STUPID SHIT. And you may or may not keep getting detention for HOSTING FAKE RAVES in study hall.

**> Sister: Pester your brother.**

\-- promiscuousPossibilities  [PP] started pestering passiveProcrastinator  [PP] at 17:36 --  
PP: hey bro!!  
PP: guess what??? :D  
PP: i dont care  
PP: aw youre no fun :(  
PP: i got invited to play a game with tucker!  
PP: oh my god no  
PP: havent i told you to stay away from him  
PP: hes not so bad ;)  
PP: never make that face again  
PP: what game  
PP: its called sburb i think??  
PP: fine  
PP: wait what  
PP: yeah!!  
PP: hes sending me an extra copy and were gonna play with his friend!  
PP: ugh why is this happening  
PP: come play with us instead  
PP: we need a fourth player  
PP: why would you even play with them anyway  
PP: youre not in high school yet  
PP: wouldnt you go to my high school anyway  
PP: your text color doesnt even match  
PP: come play the beta with the red team  
PP: what color is my text anyway?  
PP: im kinda colorblind :(  
PP: yellow  
PP: like bananas  
PP: which you are  
PP: i g2g  
PP: sarge is riding our asses about this  
PP: thats hot ;)  
PP: please shut up forever  
\-- passiveProcrastinator  [PP] stopped pestering promiscuousPossibilities  [PP] at 17:46 --

**> Grif: Pay attention to memo.**

You’re not the GRIF who’s in the memo.

**> Sister: Be Grif.**

ERROR: Incomplete command. Which Grif would you like to be?   
> Dexter   
  Kaikaina

**> Sister: Be your brother.**

Your name is GRIF. DEXTER GRIF. No one can hope to beat you at SLACKING OFF. You are simply the BEST there is. Oh, and DRIVING. No one can beat you at that, either. You can pull some PRETTY SWEET STUNTS with your car. Among your interests is FOOD. And SLEEPING.

You are SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD and a JUNIOR at BLOOD GULCH HIGH SCHOOL NUMBER ONE. You are a STRAIGHT D STUDENT. Most of the time you think you might be the ONLY INTELLIGENT PERSON in the entire world, but you’re not about to PROVE IT because that would require ACTUALLY DOING WORK. All you do is PASS NOTES during class and SMUGGLE IN FOOD.

**> Grif:  Pay attention to memo.**

Nah.

**> YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THAT MEMO THIS INSTANT YOUNG MAN**

It’s hard being a slacker. It’s hard and nobody understands.

AP at 16:48 opened memo on board FRONT AND CENTER ON THE DOUBLE.  
AP: HURRY UP LADIES.  
AP: THIS AIN'T NO ICE CREAM SOCIAL.  
pretentiousLackey [PL] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
PL: 1c3 cr34m s0c14l?  
passiveProcrastinator [PP] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
AP: STOP THE PILLOW TALK YOU TWO.  
AP: ANYONE WANT TO GUESS WHY I GATHERED YOU HERE TODAY?  
PP: is it because you got the cheat codes and we dont have to play the game  
AP: THAT'S EXACTLY IT.  
AP: THE GAME'S OVER. WE WON.  
AP: TURNS OUT YOU'RE THE BIG HERO AND WE'RE GONNA HOLD A PARADE IN YOUR HONOR.  
AP: I GET TO DRIVE THE FLOAT.  
AP: AND SIMMONS HERE IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!  
PP: im no stranger to sarcasm  
AP: COUPLE OF THINGS TODAY CUPCAKES.  
AP: COMMAND LINE IS GOING TO BE INCREASING OUR RANKS.  
PP: fuck were getting a rookie  
AP: THAT'S RIGHT DEAD MAN.  
AP: HE'LL BE HERE WITHIN A FEW HOURS.  
AP: MEANWHILE, I RECEIVED THE FIRST PART OF OUR SHIPMENT FROM COMMAND.  
AP: RIGHT NOW I HOLD IN MY HANDS THE PRERELEASE OF SBURB VERSION BETA.  
PL: 5h0tgun!  
PP: shotgun  
PP: fuck  
AP: WRONG AND WRONG AGAIN.  
AP: AS THE LEADER OF OUR EXPEDITION I'VE ALREADY CALLED SHOTGUN AS MY STRIFE SPECIBUS.  
AP: YOU TWO LOLLIPOPS GET READY.  
AP: I HAVE SOME RECON TO DO.  
AP closed memo.

**> MINUTES IN THE PAST, BUT NOT MANY…**

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the first of April, is the day he started an Internet company.

What will the name of this young man be?

**> SARGE**

… Yeah, that’s good enough.

Your name is SARGE. Just SARGE. No one, not even you, knows the REST OF YOUR NAME. You are an old-school ARMY BRAT who believes in MILITARY DISCIPLINE. You have many INTERESTS. You enjoy building and programming ROBOTS as well as ENGINEERING other devices, whether USEFUL or NOT. Through this, you have developed an unerring ATTENTION TO DETAIL. You are on your school’s RIFLE TEAM, although you prefer SHOTGUNS.

Also? You are NOT PARANOID or INCOMPETENT. You have TOTALLY RATIONAL REASONS for believing what you believe. Orders from higher-ups, for example, are ALWAYS RIGHT. Especially when they are WRONG.

You are SEVENTEEN, but a SENIOR at BLOOD GULCH HIGH SCHOOL NUMBER ONE. You use your status to PULL RANK and force the underclassmen to DO YOUR BIDDING.

What will you do?

**> Sarge: Retrieve arms.**

No need. You already have your trusty SHOTGUN firmly CAPTCHALOGUED in your STRIFE DECK. As a wise man once said,

Keep your friends close and your enemies within range of your primary firearm.

\- Confucius

Yeah, you’re pretty sure Confucius said that.

**> Sarge: Ping Command.**

You got your mitts on the SBURB BETA today, and you plan on recruiting your favorite BUTTMUNCH and his BEST FRIEND to play it with you. Basic reading comprehension, though, tells you you’ll need FOUR PLAYERS for this little game. Which means it’s time to ping the server for a little MATCHMAKING REQUEST.

AP pinged server COMMAND.  
\-- hazardousPendency  [HP] started trolling abidingPride  [AP] at 15:59 --  
HP: This is Red Command, come in Blood Gulch Number One, dude.  
AP: HELLO COMMAND.  
HP: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request, dude.  
AP: WE'RE DOWN A PLAYER IN OUR GAME.  
HP: So you're requesting a player, dude.  
AP: AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  
HP: I can get this one guy to your server in sixteen days, dude.  
AP: SIXTEEN DAYS?  
AP: THAT'S ALMOST TWO WEEKS.  
HP: Or this other guy can be on your server in the next few hours, dude.  
AP: WE'LL TAKE THE NEXT FEW HOURS OPTION.  
HP: Request acknowledged, dude.  
HP: VIC, over and out, dude.  
\-- hazardousPendency  [HP] stopped trolling abidingPride  [AP] at 16:13 --

**> HOURS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY…**

Your name is Leonard L. Church and you, too, are PINGING THE SERVER.

AP pinged server COMMAND.  
\-- hazardousPendency  [HP] started trolling alphasProtege  [AP] at 17:36 --  
HP: Hey, dude.  
AP: Did I ping †he righ† server?  
HP: You have reached the autoresponder system, dude.  
AP: Okay, okay, come on.  
HP: To leave a message, just wait for the input, dude.  
AP: I know how †o leave a goddamn message.  
HP: When you're finished typing, just hit enter, dude.  
HP: Or press pound for more options, dude.  
AP: Really? Hi† en†er? No shi†.  
AP: I was jus† going †o keep †alking un†il he decided †o come back online.  
HP: For delivery options, press five, dude.  
AP: Jus† give me the damn command line!  
HP: To leave a pingback handle, press eight, dude.  
HP: To page this user, press six, dude.  
AP: COME ON.  
HP: To repeat this message, press nine, dude.  
AP: I WILL FUCKING S†AB YOU, COMPU†ER †HING.  
HP: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven, dude.  
AP: †HERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!  
HP: To see these options in Spanish, press dos, dude.  
AP: I HA†E YOU.  
HP: ENTRY FIELD  
AP: Command, i†'s †he leader of †he Alpha †eam. We need a four†h.  
HP: I'm sorry, but this person's command lines are full, dude.  
AP: I'm going †o kill myself.  
AP: I'M GOING †O KILL MYSELF.  
\-- alphasProtege  [AP] stopped pestering hazardousPendency  [HP] at 17:49 --

**> Church: Attempt a facepalm.**

FACEPALM ACHIEVED

**> Church: See if Tucker knows anyone. Again.**

It’s kind of tough scrounging up people to play a game with you when you DON’T GET OUT MUCH. Your FATHER keeps the house on TIGHT LOCKDOWN whenever he’s AWAY. And when he’s HOME, you don’t much like the potential of INTERACTING with him. As a result, you really don't have FRIENDS. You don't really NEED any, for the most part. You're CHURCH. Knowing other people just WATERS DOWN the experience. Live the dream, buddy. LIVE THE DREAM.

\-- alphasProtege  [AP] started pestering phallicLovin  [PL] at 17:50 --  
AP: No luck wi†h †he ping.  
AP: Go† any o†her brigh† ideas?  
PL: I might kno->w a guy.  
AP: Is he any good a† video games?  
PL: I think so->? It's kinda hard to-> tell.  
PL: He's so->rta like an idio->t savant.  
PL: He's fine in Halo-> o->ne o->n o->nes, but he do->esn't kno->w his right fro->m his left. Stuff like that.  
AP: As long as he's halfway decen† a† †his game and no† an insufferable prick, I don'† care if he doesn'† know a †i† from a †ournique†.  
PL: I'll get him o->n bo->ard.  
AP: Don'† †ake †oo long.  
AP: I wan† †o s†ar† †his †hing while i†'s s†ill my bir†hday.  
\-- phallicLovin  [PL] stopped pestering alphasProtege  [AP] at 18:01 --

**> Church: Attempt the highly dangerous x2 Double Facepalm Combo.**

COMBO ACHIEVED


End file.
